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NEWS FLASH! Dateline - December 10, 2005
(Reuters, Associated Press) Huge Multibillion Dollar Multi-Level Health Product Company The Root Of The Matter! L.L.C. Inc. Limited Corp. Announced Today That It Is Officially Going Into The Goji Berry Market! Ken Johnson, the head CEO, (and head janitor, and bottle washer) says that he is absolutely thrilled with this because his ego could really use some more fame, money, and glory. "As you know, we already are larger than Sony, Ford Motor Company and I.B.M. all put together, and now with this entry into the Goji berry market, we hope to outdistance and quash our closest rivals Microsoft and Google also. This is an exciting leap, not only because it will be making us huge amounts of cash, but also because we get the primal ego satsifaction of lambasting the competition and driving them out of business." Ken is a well known figure in the world of natural health products with a reputation for being a ruthless, and dominating tyrant who will stop at nothing to take over the entire world. He points out that he likes a few of his products as well. (and even uses some of them!)
The Story Behind Our Goji Berries (By Ken Johnson): I spent my whole life in quest of the perfect goji berries. I travelled to china and tibet and all around the world, even to the northern tip of Vancouver Island, to find the most perfect and beautiful and most magnificent goji berry. I am fanatical about goji berries. It is all I talk about. My whole life is goji berries. I breathe fire, and wave my arms around in the air and start pounding my fists on the table when I talk about goji berries. I am a goji berry afficianado, a connosieur, a goji freak...I am in love with goji berries. I am the godfather of goji berries, and I want to be buried with a bag of goji berries when I exit this world.
Well, now that I have told you a little bit of my background, I will now let you know that I have found the perfect goji berry! Where did I find it? I found it at a garage sale. Some guy just happened to have a few container loads of prime quality Tibetan goji berries for sale so I swapped him for my old aquarium and a roll of barbed wire. Now I am in the process of cornering the goji market. If you have any other questions about out goji berries, please e-mail me. Thank you very much.
What The Root Of The Matter Goji Berries Are: 1) Authentic Wildcrafted Tibetan Goji Berries 2) DELICIOUS 3) Reddish-Orange 4) Sweet, Soft, Chewy 5) They Taste Really Good, In Fact They Taste Really Great!! 6) All The Usual Stuff About Tibetan Goji Berries...No Pesticides Or Chemicals Used, Grown Where No Humans Have Been For Billions Of Years (Or Something Like That), When They Are Picked They Are Picked By Hand And The Pickers Do Not Touch The Berries With Their Bare Hands, Because It Could Bruise Them, etc. 7) Did I Mention That They Really Taste Great?
What The Root Of The Matter Goji Berries Are Not: 1) Special 2) Premium 3) REALLY Special and REALLY Premium 4) Magical 5) Amazing 6) One Of A Kind 7) Blessed By The Dali Lama 8) Blessed By The Pope (Or Any Other Famous Hollywood Personalities) 9) A Religion 10) A Cult 11) So Amazing And Special And Unique That The World Will Stop Revolving If You Do Not Buy Some 12) The Absolute Best Goji Berries In The Whole Wide World 13) Better Than Every Other Goji Berry Out There 14) So Absolutely Amazingly Special And Unique And Totally Amazing And Mind Blowing, That The Heaven Splits Asunder And God Speaks Directly To You If You Buy Them 15) Patented, Copyrighted, Protected By Legal Rights, Exclusive Property Of Our Company, And If Anyone Infringes Our Legal Exclusivity, We Will Bring Down Our Giant Lasers From Outer Space And Annihilate Every Last One Of You No-Good Cretins 16) Serious (In Any Way At All...)
Ken Speaks Out About Goji Berries: To tell you the truth, if I had not read anything about goji berries, and did not know that they are supposed to be the greatest thing since sliced bread, this is what I would say about them: these are a really neat tasting, delicious, and enjoyable natural dried fruit. I really like them! I can eat them anytime, and they are great as a snack or as a meal, and I have had quite a few days where all I felt like eating was goji berries, and did eat a lot of them. I do not think there is any great mystery or science to them, I just think they are a great health food, and am really enjoying them a lot. I do not get too serious about them or get overly worked up and fanatical about them, I just like them a lot and am very happy that I have had the fortunate opportunity to find out about them and have the pleasure of eating them each day.
I really do think they are very nutritious and healthy and they do make you feel great by eating them, that is about it. I am not somebody who gets super excited and starts banging my tamberine and goes around proselytizing to people about them, I just think they are a great food, and worth knowing about and trying, and eating, that's about all. The thing I like about them in particular is that I seem to feel completely nourished and satisfied by eating them, it feels like a completely balanced meal, and very complete in it's nutritive qualities. As well as they do make me feel excellent and happy and good. They are a great food, better than most! That is all that I have to say. By the way, did I mention they TASTE REALLY good?
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